First off.. this isn’t a sad post..
What makes me cry?
Apparently country songs and Jerks. No, not like the mean person kind of jerk, but Jerk as in the Olympic weightlifting kind.
Last time I posted I wrote about “being ok” with where I was at. It had been a tumultuous few months, but turns out that was the beginning, because not long after is when I learned my dad had cancer, and he passed away less than 3 weeks later.
The last 6 months has been challenging, with more “real life” shit than I’ve ever had to manage before.. but I am 31, so that’s pretty fortunate right there. With everything that happened, I’ve been trying to summarize, to have something to say.. not for the sake of a blog post, but for myself. To make a little more sense of it all, and try to learn from it. I’ve said it before, but I’m a big believer in things happening, and meeting people, for a reason, whether it’s obvious at the time or not. So I’ve been letting it sink in.
And my conclusion is..
Perspective. And specifically letting things be a part of your life vs. be your life.
Yesterday we had 1-RM (rep max) Jerks programmed into our workout. Bear with me.. I really do have a point that isn’t just CrossFit related..
I haven’t maxed out on this lift in ~1.5 years, and haven’t had even close to that weight above my head since long before I had surgery on my wrist last summer. Honestly, with all the ups & downs of the last 7 months, inconsistency with training, doubts about the roll CrossFit would/could have in my life, etc, there were many times I assumed I might not ever be back there. But a funny thing started to happen over the last two months, since my dad died.. I started having fun in the gym again. And when I say ‘again,’ oh I’d say it has been about a year.
I was so far from where I wanted to be fitness-wise, where I had been not too long before, that I finally just said fuck-it. I love to workout because it makes me happy, and I’m making myself miserable with these comparisons. Just go, keep going, appreciate the suck, because well.. dammit, I get to do it.. enjoy all the flipping amazing people I get to train with, and what comes will come.
A lot has change, you know the sad, but there’s been a lot of really good too! Really good things that make it difficult to always be consistent or put in the same volume I have in the past, but I’m so thankful for the new opportunities, and I wouldn’t change it. So why I am f’ing my head up over something I love, because I get to do other things I love? Yeah. Silliness.
But I’ve always been so good with the extremes, and habits are hard to break. What can I say, I’m excitable and passionate and sometimes I don’t draw the line so well. I loved gymnastics and it became my life. I did well in school because when I was young my parents said I could keep doing gymnastics if I got good grades. Ok, done. I got into fitness competitions, then started a health coaching company. Got into yoga, became a yoga teacher. Got into CrossFit, and it wasn’t long before my goal was to compete in the CrossFit Games. I find something I love and I let it become my life. I don’t think this is a bad thing, but it’s not always the right thing. It sounds so silly to have to “realize” that I can do something for fun.. just for fun.
Yesterday I was on a bar with a group of some of the most bad ass woman you could ever meet, taking turns working up to our 1-RM. I ended up tying my previous PR, but with a couple tries, missed setting a new one. After I was done, I was watching the girls finish and fighting back tears. I imagine it looked like I was upset about not making the lifts but it was the opposite (though a new PR would have been nice…). I was really happy. I was happy to be hitting numbers I wasn’t sure I’d get back to, but I also was thinking ‘see dad.’
I wrote this post at the beginning of the CrossFit Open, where I told a little story of teasing my dad that it was a good thing I’d been lifting all those weights because it allowed me to help him in his the final days. The whole story is that when I was really getting serious about CrossFit, he started watching it when it aired on ESPN. It must have been the Clean & Jerk ladder from 2013 CrossFit Games, or maybe the Overhead Squat max from 2014.. but either way. His exact words were “I don’t know about those woman lifting 200 pounds above their head.. I don’t think I want to see you do that.” My response was of course “too bad”.. because.. well.. I tend to be a little smart ass like that.. fortunately he was even more so.
But this post isn’t meant to be another sad one at all! Sports really are a fantastic analogy for life. Yes this example is all about CrossFit, but at different points in my life I could have written the same thing about a person. Ever fall for someone and suddenly they’re you’re everything, then it starts going south, and your world crumbles, and you forget what it was like to be happy before? No? Really? Well, damn you should be the next Tony Robbins, Oprah, or something.But really..
I’m sure I’ll let myself get swooped up by something or someone again, that’s just a part of life, but maybe it’s also a part of life to better realize when you’re doing it, so you can appreciate the whirlwind at the time, and know that the low will also pass when it comes. And then there will be another lesson learned.
Ok.. got a little too woo woo there, but.. ah fuck-it 😉
Side Note 1: Even though my wrist surgery was the least big deal ever, it left me with a disproportionately legit scar, which just so happens to serve as a perfect reminder of all this.. and I dig that!
Side Note 2: It is really awesome to be surrounded by people who believe in you more than you do, when you need it most.